the shape of believing

dear you,

i had not known how far into another person
a life could lean.
even the unnamed things in me
turned towards you,
like roots finding water
beneath a house.
you said you felt it.
i believe you.

there was something living between us
and you lied beside it.
looked into my face,
while i made a home
of what you said.

i keep returning to your eyes,
trying to find the small movement
that should have warned me.
but i remember warmth.
i remember letting my shoulders fall.

it embarrasses me now,
that small surrender.
how far into the future
i could hear you breathing.

some days i want to gather up
every tenderness you witnessed,
take my unguarded face
out of your hands.
i cannot bear to think
of all that love
still somewhere in your memory,
unable to speak for itself.

and still, a part of me
listens for you beneath everything.
there are depths
i wish i had never discovered
by lowering your name into them.

and somewhere above all this,
my life keeps opening.

there is work waiting
for a version of me
who has not arrived yet.
new voices say my name
with a warmth i can feel
even here.

i am grateful.
i am so tired
of becoming someone
who knows how to live
in another shape.

i want to set the future down
without anything breaking.
let the good things wait beside me
without having to turn towards them yet.

there are doors opening.
i can hear people
i would like to know
on the other side.

and still,
i want to tell you about them.
still, you are the person
i begin to turn towards,
before the remembering.

i wish something would stay
where i left it.
i wish it were enough
to love a thing
for it to remain.

whatever still reaches for you
will have to learn
why i cannot follow.

with the love i don’t know where to put,
kate

(artwork: edward munch, separation)